


Unforgettable Fear

by RebKa (RkB)



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Dick Grayson Needs a Hug, Dick Grayson is Nightwing, Gen, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Jason Todd Swears, Mental Anguish, Protective Jason Todd, Scarecrow's Fear Toxin (DCU), Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Underage Rape/Non-con, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:28:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29226228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RkB/pseuds/RebKa
Summary: Dick has a rough go after a run in with Scarecrow’s fear toxin.  He inadvertently reveals a traumatic secret he has been holding on to.
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne
Comments: 11
Kudos: 246





	Unforgettable Fear

**Author's Note:**

> This seems like it gets sort of dark. Dick’s POV is not the most reliable. 
> 
> Sorry if the story is all over the place and not in the spirit of the comics, I did my best! I was inspired to write this after reading the quote I mention at the beginning of the story. 
> 
> ⚠️Please read with caution as there is mention of past sexual assault and a suicide attempt 
> 
> Thanks in advance for any kudos, and I really love comments of course! ❤️ Take care everyone!

“To be able to forget means sanity” -Jack London

~o~

Dick looked around at his 3 brothers, his dad, and the man he considered to be his grandfather, Alfred.

Here they were, under the same roof, all alive and all healthy. And for the most part, happy. 

Dick recalled enduring difficult times during which he never thought he could experience joy again. 

The tragic murder of his parents being the first, and most obvious. 

The death of Jason, the loss of Bruce for a while, and heaven only knows the countless times each of them has been seriously injured. 

The numerous kidnappings as their civilian selves as well as their vigilante selves.

Dick had personally experienced rejection and abandonment on many fronts. Being kicked out by Bruce then being swiftly replaced had been a particularly and deeply scarring experience. 

Dick shook his head and reminded himself that he was happy. None of the past mattered right now. Right now everyone who mattered most to him was here within hugging distance.

And so he did just that. Personal space be damned. 

He tugged a grumpy Damian onto his lap and squeezed him tight eliciting an angry shout from the boy, 

“Grayson! You made me falter and now I have lost this match to Drake!”

Tim snorted and fired back, “you were losing anyway, Demon. You’re terrible at classic video games, especially Street Fighter 2,”

Dick disregarded the harmless arguing and continued to squeeze his squirming baby brother.

Jason plopped down next to the duo, shoved them over and snatched the game controller from Damian’s hands,

“My turn, losers! Lemme show you all how it’s done,”

Jason chose the game character of Blanca while Tim chose Ryu. 

Jason proceeded to mash the controller’s buttons wildly in order to electrify Tim’s character continuously and won the first round easily,

“That was so cheap, Jason!”

“All’s fair in video game war, brat,”

Just before the next round started, Tim’s mouth lifted into a sly lopsided smirk,

“Oh hey, Big D? Jason was telling me earlier how much he missed your hugs too,”

At Tim’s words, Dick released Damian and turned his attention to Jason’s large frame beside him,

“Is that so?” Dick questioned, knowing full well what Tim was trying to do. 

Dick decided to play along to help Tim out and give him a chance at winning the game.

“Dickface, I see you eyeballing me from the corner of my eye... don’t you fuckin’ dare!! I will kill both you and the Replacement!!”

Dick lunged at Jason and wrapped his arms and legs around his large younger brother like a monkey climbing a palm tree. The video game controller went flying from Jason’s hands as he toppled over sideways on the couch with Dick glued to him. Jason struggled even though he was the bigger man because damn it, Dick was strong and he had caught him off guard.

Dick planted a sloppy kiss on the side of Jason’s temple as Jason growled in playful anger.

“Dickie, if you don’t let me up right now I promise I will clock you.”

Rolling his eyes and sighing dramatically, the older brother relented and shifted off of Jason. Dick grabbed Jason by the collar and pulled him back up to his original seated position,

“Alright, now, before I was so rudely fuckin’ interrupted, I believe I was putting on an ass kicking masterpiece, hey Timbo?”

Jason then noticed that the game had started up again without him, and Tim was playing against... Bruce?! Bruce didn’t notice the look of incredulity on Jason’s face as he was too focused on the screen in front of him. 

“B? Seriously?! You’re actually playing a video game?”

Dick laughed, “Uh yeah! B is a master of Street Fighter 2. Who do you think I used to play these games with before you guys came along?”

Dick’s grin grew wider as he peeked over at Alfred,

“If you really want to get your butts kicked though, you should see Alfred play.”

That remark got Jason, Damian and Tim to look up at their eldest brother in surprise. Bruce managed to capitalize on Tim’s moment of distraction and finished off the lanky teen’s character.

Bruce pumped his fist in triumph and high fived Dick who broke into a fit of laughter,

“Tough luck, Timbo,” Bruce consoled before he ruffled Tim’s hair.

As Dick’s giggles subsided, a nagging feeling of dread or perhaps experienced intuition tugged at the tiniest thread in Dick’s brain.

_‘Too perfect,’_ Dick’s mind reminded him. _‘This is not going to last,’_

“Yo Dickiebird! You coming or you gonna sit there in lala land all night?” Jason asked as he waved his hand in front of Dick’s face. 

“Oh... yes, of course, Jay,” 

Dick’s cheeks flushed a little when he noticed that the rest of his family had all left the room already.

Dick took Jason’s outstretched hand and allowed Jason to yank him up to his feet. 

The trek down to the Batcave to prepare for patrol didn’t do much to ease the nervous energy lurking in the corner of Dick’s mind.

~o~

Batman and Robin zoomed out of the cave to begin their patrols. Tim stayed behind to help monitor the comms and to finish up a book report for school that was due in the morning.

Dick finished suiting up and waited for Jason to grab the rest of his supplies before they too headed out to patrol.

“Hey Wing! You and Hood might want to check out this disturbance in progress on 5th Street. We’ve got some early reports of people freaking out and the trail is leading to Gotham City National Bank. Not sure, but it sounds like it might be Poison Ivy. B and Robin are on the other side of town, you guys will reach the area quicker than them,”

“We’re on it,” Jason acknowledged as he strode by Tim on the computers and headed towards his bike.

“Call me if you need back up, I can throw on my suit and join you guys,”

“Sure thing, Timmy. I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Dick stated as he inserted his tiny comm unit into his ear. 

Dick hopped onto his bike and in an instant, Red Hood and Nightwing were rushing off into the night to tackle whatever dangers lurked ahead.

~o~

“Fuck, no...” Dick murmured out loud without realizing his comm unit was on and transmitting.

“Wing, what’s up?” Tim’s voice echoed in his ear,

Dick brought his bike to a screeching halt with Jason pulling up beside him. One look at the handful of people writhing in panicked agony on the street immediately informed the two heroes who they would have the ‘pleasure’ of facing,

“Red Robin, it’s Scarecrow. 5 Civilians hit with fear toxin. Get some EMT units to our position,”

Red Hood and Nightwing tended to the ailing civilians the best they could. Dick used all of his supply of the anti-toxin he carried with him on the civilians. He only had 2 doses on him and gave them to the people who looked worse off. Jason supplied 2 more doses as well. 

To the remaining civilian, Nightwing gave his re-breather unit, hoping that the fresh oxygen would help to dilute the impacts of the toxin somewhat. It was worth a try, he figured. 

Ultimately, the heroes didn’t know if the toxin was a new formulation, and if any of the antidotes they had would even work, since Scarecrow often changed up his formulas to try and make more potent forms of his poison. 

“Hood, Wing, we have an alarm going off at the Bank. Scarecrow must’ve made it there,” Tim informed.

At that moment, the ambulances started to arrive at scene and Red Hood declared over the comms,

“We’re en route, Red. ETA 4 minutes.”

Batman’s gravelly voice radioed in, “Proceed with caution, Hood and Nightwing. Robin and I will make our way over there now. ETA 20 minutes,” 

~o~

Nightwing hopped off of his bike again outside of the broken glass doors of the bank. Why the bank had stupid glass doors he would never understand, especially in a crime ridden city like Gotham. 

Red Hood joined him. They both noticed immediately that it was eerily dark and quiet inside the bank.

“Hood, you go up and sneak in via the roof. I’ll take the front entrance,”

“Wingnut, I know you want to hog all of the action, but I’m better off bursting through the front doors guns a blazin’, while you do your pretty, flippy shit up on the roof,” 

Jason paused and knocked his knuckles on his red helmet and finished, 

“plus, I’ve got this in case fucko in there uses the fear gas,”

“Alright, Hood,” Dick agreed and pulled out his grappling gun, not wanting to waste time arguing, “be careful. It seems too quiet in there.”

Red Hood nodded once and Nightwing supportively squeezed his partner’s leather-clad shoulder before he deployed his grapple gun.

When the graceful hero landed on the roof of the building he discovered why the ground floor of the bank was so quiet. Dick found himself face to face with a handful of Scarecrow’s thugs. The group was clearly making their getaway via the rooftops.

Nightwing had no time to inform Red Hood of the goons trying to make their escape, as he swiftly dodged a clumsy fist flying towards his face. 

The agile hero easily handled a few of the henchmen and managed to trigger the panic button on his comm unit in between kicking thugs. He was instantly glad he took the opportunity to hit the distress signal as he noticed more goons rushing at him to help their fellow fiends.

He continued fighting valiantly until he was overrun and grabbed from behind by a couple of men who were much larger than he was.

Nightwing thrashed as he heard Red Hood shout over the comms,

“Hang in there, Wing! Almost done!” 

Based on the sound of Jason’s voice, Dick knew that he was clearly engaged with a few of Scarecrow’s men on the main floor as well. The crooks must have been left behind to provide cover for the rest of the guys escaping topside with the loot from the bank.

From the shadows, Scarecrow emerged and approached Dick,

“Oo la la, if it isn’t the pretty one,” Scarecrow remarked while he leaned in extremely close to Nightwing’s face. 

The former psychiatrist grabbed Dick’s chin, the rough fingers of his left hand dug into the sides of Dick’s face, hard enough to bruise as he stared into the domino mask lenses, 

“I wish I had time to look into those eyes as terror consumes them. You’re in for quite a long and wild ride. I suppose I’ll find out through the grapevine if you make it out alive,”

“Maybe the grapevine has breathmints they could give you,”

An unamused Scarecrow lifted his right hand and Dick caught a glimpse of the syringes attached to his fingertips. The needles were attached to tubes running down the length of the villian’s hand and forearm. Each syringe/tube was connected to a chamber of sinister looking fluid.

“What a treat to be able to silence such a smart mouth,”

Nightwing snorted back at Scarecrow, “normally I’d give someone a nasty look for saying that, but I see you already have one,”

Shit. One quip too many Dick realized. He had been trying to stall and keep Scarecrow engaged until help arrived, but he pushed his luck a little too far. 

Scarecrow forced Dick’s head to the right sharply and Dick felt a sudden sharp stabbing pain in the left side of his neck.

Dick felt his entire body go limp and he collapsed into a boneless heap on the rooftop when the arms holding him up withdrew. 

“On th- wa- up”, Dick heard a garbled voice call in his ear. The words were lost as the sounds floated in and out of Dick’s consciousness.

Dick felt his body shift brutally a couple of times and crushing pain burst through his body. His cheek scraped the rough and cold cement below him as he lay helpless on the rooftop. He saw the blurred image of a heavy boot swiftly withdraw and it disappeared from view. It was then that Dick realized he had been kicked in the ribs and stomach. 

The distant sound of shouting and gunshots vaguely registered. 

The non-sensical syllables of panicked words continued to ring through Dick’s ears.

Was Jason here yet? What about Damian? Or Bruce?

Dick tried to yell out to warn Jason about Scarecrow but the words died on his tongue when he saw a shiny mask hovering above him.... a mask.... mask.....Deathstroke’s mask? 

A voice then called out calmly from within the deep recesses of Dick’s memories. The words were as clear as day unlike the garbled voices over his comm unit,

_’Hello, Pretty Bird.’_

Dick didn’t hear the scream that tore from his own throat.

~o~

Red Hood was entangled with a couple of Scarecrow’s pesky men wondering when the rest of the deranged group would emerge, when a distress call sounded off in his ear.

_Fuck._

Red Robin’s urgent voice confirmed what Jason had already figured out, “Hood! Nightwing needs help NOW!”

Red Hood tapped his comm, “Hang in there, Wing! Almost done!”

Jason managed to disarm his opponents, knocked them out, and zip tied their hands and feet together before rushing to the rooftop,

“On the way up!” Jason radioed in, rushing outside to get to the top of the building.

What Jason saw when he grappled up was Scarecrow rushing away with a group of thugs. A few larger goons were huddled around an unmoving figure....Nightwing. One big guy kicked Dick a couple of times and Red Hood drew his gun immediately and started firing. 

He wished he had real bullets on him and not just these rubber monstrosities and threatening sounding blanks he was forced to work with.

Jason rushed to Dick’s immobile figure and quickly examined the bruises forming on his brother’s face. He observed the blood trickling from the injection sites on Dick’s neck, _’Shit!!’_

“Nightwing’s down! He’s been injected with fear toxin and.. something else. I don’t know. He’s not moving,”

“And Scarecrow?” Batman’s mission focused voice demanded,

“Don’t know, don’t fucking care!!”

“We’re pulling up now,” Batman informed.

Jason leaned over Dick, and peered into his cloudy eyes. The first Robin’s breathing started to pick up upon seeing Red Hood. He reached to check Dick’s heart rate when a horrifying scream pierced the night air. 

“Wing?!! Nightwing!!” Red Hood desperately attempted to get the older man to hear him.

“N-no! Don’t! Pl-please no!” Dick cried out staring wide eyed at Jason. 

Jason was shoved and nearly toppled over when a small but strong body barrelled into him,

“Watch it, Demon!” Jason gritted out as he returned to his spot beside Dick. 

Robin ignored Red Hood and fussed over his favourite brother. Robin thankfully had some anti-toxin on him and proceeded to jab one vial full into Nightwing’s arm with a suit piercing needle. 

Dick stared up directly at Jason again and continued to scream,

“No!! Don’t!! I c-can’t .. h-hur- hurts!! Stop!! _Master!!! Please!!_ ”

Jason startled at the word, ‘master’. What the heck was going through Dick’s brain? Regardless, they needed to get Nightwing out of here and get him some proper medical attention, 

“Demon! Where the fuck is Batman? We need the cave!”

“He moved to intercept Scarecrow. His instructions were to get to the Batmobile.” 

“You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me!”

Jason yelled in exasperation, but wasn’t surprised. It’s always mission over everything else for Batman, even over Goldie, Jason reminded himself.

Jason went to grab Dick’s arm to pick him up, when Dick flailed wildly. 

The paralysis seemed to be wearing off thanks to the antidote administered by Damian. 

Jason felt grateful yet annoyed at the same time. Now he would have to carry a squirming Nightwing instead of a pliant one. 

The antidote didn’t seem to be doing much to dampen the horrors running through Dick’s brain though, as the young man was now shaking violently with a waterfall of tears flowing out from beneath his mask. 

Jason huffed out a deep breath. He lifted Dick, and quickly hoisted him up into a fireman’s carry. 

Instead of the fight Jason was expecting, Dick began to whimper in a tiny voice instead, 

“Slade...master...please s-stop,” 

Jason stopped abruptly, nearly dropping Dick,

“Slade?” Jason repeated the name. 

Thoughts began to fire away in Red Hood’s brain, _’is he seeing Slade in his mind? Why? And why the fuck is he calling him master?’_

Jason felt confusion and anger bubbling up. Someone has kept some very important information from him,

“Robin!” Jason shouted at the boy who was a few yards in front of him, “Why is Nightwing afraid of Slade?”

“What are you talking about, imbecile?” Robin fired back whipping around to glare at Jason.

Red Hood ignored the reply from Robin as clearly the boy didn’t know either. 

When they reached the Batmobile and loaded a deteriorating Nightwing inside, Red Hood shouted into his comm unit,

“Red!! Where the fuck is Batman?!”

Before Tim had a chance to answer, Batman grappled down and ran to their position,

“Let’s go,” Batman grumbled.

Jason quickly flipped the auto return switches on his and Dick’s motorcycles before climbing into the back of the Batmobile with Dick. He tore his helmet off and tossed it onto the floor of the car. 

Damian glared daggers at Jason when the elder shoved the younger boy towards the front seat. 

As they zoomed off, Batman contacted Tim, “Red Robin, have Agent A prepare the med bay for Nightwing. I also have Scarecrow’s toxin to be analyzed,”

Batman glanced back briefly at Nightwing who had resumed his thrashing and was letting out wails and random screams. He wasn’t saying much, but was clearly imprisoned by the terrors within his mind. 

Batman finished what he had started saying,

“We will need to synthesize a new antidote. The older version definitely isn’t working.”

“Gotcha, B. On it..” Tim’s voice wavered slightly as he heard the horrific sounds that Nightwing was making over the comms. 

Batman then radioed GCPD and informed them where to find a tied up Scarecrow and his evil entourage. 

Jason’s anger subsided somewhat as he understood then that Batman likely pursued Scarecrow in order to retrieve a sample of the toxin.

Nightwing’s scream pierced through the vehicle again. Jason grimaced and brushed Dick’s hair off of his sweat covered face, he could hear the shredding of Dick’s throat every time he screamed. The next pleading words came out raspy and hoarse,

“M-master.. s-slade... get off me... pl-please d-don’t rape me again ..”

Batman swerved sharply before correcting the vehicle. His knuckles turned white as he squeezed the steering wheel in a vice like grip. Despite Dick’s ravaged voice, they had all heard his words as clear as day. 

Deathstroke was a dead man, Jason instantly resolved. Anger brewed behind green eyes.

“When?!” Jason shouted out.

“Hood?” Batman questioned his largest son,

“Dick! And that old motherfucker!!! When did it happen?!!”

Robin chimed in, “Father, what happened to Grayson?!”

Batman clenched his jaw so hard he was lucky he didn’t break any teeth. The caped crusader didn’t answer as they sped into the Batcave. 

Batman parked and proceeded to carry his eldest son towards the med bay. 

Jason climbed out of the vehicle next and while exiting, grabbed his red helmet. Upon doing so, he realized what may have triggered Dick’s fear response of Deathstroke... the helmet. 

Somewhat similar to Deathstroke’s own headwear aside from the colours... Jason’s mind swam ... did he inadvertently cause this terrible reaction? Did Dick see Deathstroke instead of the Red Hood? Jason visualized the look that Dick was giving him up on the rooftop... the frightened eyes that seemed to lock right onto his Hood. 

_’Dick must’ve thought I was... he thought it was me who... Slade..the man who rap-‘_

Jason’s racing thoughts were interrupted by the nauseous rising of the contents in his gut. He sprinted to the showers and fell to his hands and knees as he vomited out every last morsel of food he had in his stomach.

~o~

Jason emerged from his shower stall 40 minutes and one more vomit later. At the end of that time, the large vigilante had actually managed to get himself properly showered and tidied up.

He had heard Damian and Bruce come and go, but neither had dared to interrupt Jason.

Jason entered the medical bay and noticed Dick laying unconscious with Damian sitting in a chair at his bedside,

“L’il D, what’s the word on Dickie?”

“Pennyworth managed to sedate him as he wouldn’t stop screaming,” Damian answered despondently, 

“Drake is in the lab working on an anti-toxin. Father is looking through some of Richard’s old mission reports.”

Jason nodded at Damian. He felt a little sad looking at the boy. Although he was a hard headed brat, he was far too young for all of the shit he has seen and been through. And now, the child just found out that his favourite brother had been cruelly violated by a villain in the past. 

Jason stopped himself before he continued down that rabbit hole of thoughts. A green haze was already creeping into his field of view.

The second Robin approached Bruce next as he needed some answers,

“Bruce. What the hell happened?”

Bruce didn’t respond, but kept his nose buried in computer files. Alfred set some tea down beside Bruce which the focused man also didn’t acknowledge.

“Answer me, Bruce! For fuck’s sake! You heard him screaming, I need to know.”

Bruce turned to face his son with a face full of remorse,

“Jay, I honestly don’t know,” he scrubbed a hand guiltily over his tired face, “It was a long time ago. Dick and I had a... falling out and he wasn’t living at the manor at that time. He was captured by Slade during his time with the Titans and was held captive for a few months at least. I tried to get details from him when I learned about it years later, but all he wrote was a vague mission report and refused to talk about it. I threatened his team to get them to tell me more, but he didn’t talk to them about it either.”

Bruce exhaled shakily and his ice blue eyes welled up slightly, “I figured it was bad, and violent obviously, but I never thought Deathstroke would have...”

Bruce trailed off, unable to finish his sentence. Alfred placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. 

“What did the bastard want with him?” Jason asked.

“Slade Wilson has always been fixated on Dick. He tried recruit him as his protégé, and train him to kill. Renegade is the name Dick was apparently given.”

“Father, is this true?” A small but firm voice asked from behind them,

“Yes, Damian. I do believe it is true from what little information I have of the situation.”

Damian’s face grew red in anger. 

“We must avenge Grayson’s honour,”

“How old was he, B?” Tim approached, obviously having been eavesdropping from around the corner. 

Bruce sighed and dropped his gaze he wished he could be anywhere else at that moment, “He would have been 14,”

Jason looked over at Damian who was nearly that same age. Dick was apparently much smaller for his age and so Slade would have been a huge and imposing monster compared to a kid. Dick wouldn’t have stood a chance one on one against the enhanced mercenary. 

Alfred, being the voice of reason as always, cut through the tense silence,

“Slade Wilson attempted to break Master Dick. The fact that none of us knew of this, that Master Dick has been able to conceal it, proves that he hasn’t been broken. Furthermore, he has all of us to support him now.”

Jason frowned as he considered Alfred’s words. Was Dick actually ok or just hiding that he was in fact, ‘broken’? Because how could anybody, especially a kid, be ok after months of sexual assaults and torture? Slade’s twisted mind games were also legendary. All of those factors combined probably would have been worse than dying. 

“Bruce, I’ve finished the antidote,” Tim announced as the teen remembered why he walked over there in the first place. 

Tim added, “It was a really tricky formulation, but I think I got it right. This version of the fear toxin looks a different... a lot more complex than what we’ve seen from Scarecrow before.”

Bruce frowned and looked at the lab results Tim had generated for this particular toxin. “Hn, I can’t see anything I would have done differently, Tim. It looks like it’ll work.”

~o~

Dick came to before opening his eyes. He tried to ascertain where he was and the last thing he could recall.

Scarecrow. Rooftop. Sharp pains in the neck, then... Deathstroke... and then... nothing. 

Dick recognized the smell and familiar white noise from the med bay and knew that he was safe in the Batcave. 

Dick cracked opened his eyes and looked around. Strange, he thought, as he usually doesn’t wake up alone when he’s in the med bay. There’s usually somebody at his bedside or at least close by. 

Dick moved to the edge of the bed and tested his legs to see if he could stand up. All good there.

Dick wandered around the cave to see if anybody was there, but aside from himself and the bats, nobody was around.

Deciding to check the manor upstairs, Dick trudged up to the kitchen and sighed in relief when he found Alfred,

“Hey, Alf,”

Alfred jumped a little at the sound of the unexpected and scratchy voice,

“My heavens! Dear boy I wasn’t expecting you to be up yet. I just came up to prepare some tea otherwise I would have been there when you woke. Would you care for some tea?”

Dick rubbed his throat, as he suddenly realized how uncomfortable it was to speak,

“Please.” Dick replied using as few words as possible.

Alfred smiled warmly and placed down some piping hot tea with honey and some tea biscuits in front of his grandson at the kitchen table.

Alfred took a seat beside him with his own cup of tea. 

“Where’s everyone?” Dick rasped out before sipping the soothing tea.

“School, school, business meeting and well with Master Jason I never really know,”

Dick smiled lightly and then asked,

“Do you know what happened after the fear toxin? I can hardly remember anything,”

_“Why, you were a stupid fool, Master Dick. We are all so ashamed of you. Master Bruce cannot even stand the sight of you.”_

Dick stared at Alfred dumbfounded. Did he just say that? But Alfred would never... would he? 

“Master Dick? Are you alright?” Alfred patted his grandson’s hand to get his attention. 

“Hm? Oh, mhmm, sorry. Just.. just zoned out for a second, Alfie.”

“...as I was saying Master Dick, Master Bruce apprehended Scarecrow and Master Tim was able to synthesize an antidote. Much to our relief as this formulation of the toxin seemed to be exceptionally strong,”

Dick nodded his head; understanding that the toxin was stronger than ever before. He was able to judge this by the feeling of his poor throat. He figured he must have screamed a great deal for it to hurt so much. Plus, that weird hallucination of Alfred... that was different.

“Are you alright my boy? You look rather pale,” 

“Yeah, I’m ok. I’m going to take a shower. Thanks for the tea,”

Alfred smiled and squeezed his grandson’s forearm as a loving gesture.

Dick stood and began to walk out of the kitchen when he heard a faint voice,

_“Good riddance. What a burdensome boy,”_

Dick whipped around to look at Alfred who was clearing the table. 

“Did you say something, Alfred?”

“No, Master Dick. Have a good shower.”

Dick rubbed the side of his head as he left the kitchen. He thought that he must be hearing things, but it couldn’t still be the toxin as he was given the antidote for it...right? 

He rushed to his room to shower hoping the the hot water would help to clear his foggy mind.

~o~

Feeling somewhat better and a lot fresher, Dick stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist.

He found Jason sitting on the bed waiting for him with a giant bag of lozenges for his throat,

“Yo, Dickiebird. Figured you might need these after last night.”

“Thanks, Jay,” Dick answered with his scratchy voice while he popped a lemon lozenge into his mouth, “you’d know that better than me anyway,”

“So you, uh, don’t remember anything huh?” Jason asked awkwardly,

“Nope, not much after the toxin,” Dick stated. He left out the seeing Deathstroke part and hoped to hell he didn’t say anything related the mercenary. 

Dick sauntered over to his dresser to grab some clothes. He dropped his towel to put his sweatpants on when he heard a shuffling on the bed,

“Jeez, Dickface! Give a guy some warning!”

Dick pulled his pants on and turned to observe Jason who was looking away from him red-faced. 

“Jay? What? We’ve changed in front of each other tons of times before. What’s the big deal?”

Jason couldn’t find it in himself to bring up Dick’s past at the moment, or let Dick in on the fact that they all knew his secret. Seeing his older brother nude just then triggered Jason’s imagination of what Deathstroke might have done to him as a young teen. 

Jason couldn’t go there right now for fear of an episode of pit rage. 

_’You’re just a filthy whore, Dickface. You shouldn’t be so surprised that I can’t stand to look at you,’_

Dick gasped when fingers were snapping directly in front of his face,

“Dickie?! Hey! Are you ok?” Jason’s concerned face came into view. 

“Yeah, of course Jay,”

Jason looked back at Dick, unconvinced, “fine, well let me help you get your shirt on, your stomach looks brutal,”

Dick raised his arms in order for Jason to delicately slip the shirt onto his older brother,

“Ok Big Bird, I’m gonna head downstairs, I’ll see you down there, ya?”

“Mhm,” Dick waited until Jason left the room before tearing his clothes back off; ignoring the dull pain of his heavily bruised stomach.

He climbed back into the shower he had just gotten out of not even 15 minutes prior and stepped into the scalding hot stream of water. As the water dripped off of the acrobat’s golden skin, he sat down and curled into himself burying his head into his knees. 

Jason’s voice echoed in his head and despite his younger brother never having said the actual words, Dick perceived them to be real, 

_‘You’re just a filthy whore,’_

~o~

“Ah, Master Dick. There you are at last. I was just about to send for you. Dinner will be served in approximately a quarter of an hour.”

Dick smiled sweetly at Alfred before joining his family who were relaxing by the TV. 

“Dickie, how is your hair is still sopping wet? You got out of the shower at least half an hour ago,” remarked Jason. 

“I missed rinsing out some shampoo so I had to hop back in,” Dick replied slapping a well practiced grin onto his face.

_’Shower all you want slut, you’ll always be dirty,’_

Dick tried to ignore the voice of Jason in his head as he moved to sit in between Tim and Damian. Both boys avoided eye contact and Bruce briefly glanced at Dick and looked away quickly. These avoidant behaviours did not go unnoticed by the acrobat. A feeling of dread continued to build within him. 

Dick stretched his legs out to rest on the coffee table in front of him and closed his eyes,

“How are you feeling now, Dick?” Tim asked cautiously.

“Mm, alright, Timmy. Don’t worry,” Dick answered with his eyes still closed and head tipped back on the couch,

_’You’re such a disappointment. You were always too dumb to be Robin.’_

_’Grayson, I despised being your partner. I am ashamed to be seen with you,’_

Dick jolted up into a rigid, seated position after hearing the voices of his two youngest brothers in each ear, as though they were whispering the words directly into his soul. 

Tim and Damian jumped up a little as well, caught off guard by Dick’s sudden movement.

“Dick? Are you feeling alright?” Bruce asked his eldest. The concern was obvious on the older man’s face, “you seem a little...”

“Jumpy,” Jason finished.

“I, ah, just thought I heard.... nevermind. It’s fine, guys, really.”

Bruce kept his gaze focussed on Dick and stated, “after dinner we’ll run a couple of tests in the cave to make sure everything’s ok,”

_‘You’re a burden. I am glad I never adopted you like I did with the others,’_

Dick’s eyes welled up slightly as he looked away. The weight of all of these non spoken words by his family, and now Bruce’s voice joining the mix was almost too much to handle.

~o~

Sitting at the dinner table did not go any better for Dick.

Dick wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, but nobody seemed to be able to look at him for more than a few seconds. They looked embarrassed? Uncomfortable? It was as though they were all holding something back. Something important. It wasn’t helping the building sense of paranoia, and neurosis within the hero.

Even though nobody was speaking out loud, a cacophony of voices continued to sound off in Dick’s head. All of the voices belonged to his family; they grew louder and more frequent, 

_‘Dickie, you’re gonna eat all that? Disgusting slob!’_

_‘Why are you even here? Didn’t I kick you out before, can’t you take the hint?’_

_’Grayson, you bring shame to our family,’_

_‘You’re useless, you deserve to be alone,’_

_’Why don’t you off yourself already, Dickface?’_

_’Yes Dick. You’re no good. You’re not needed here or anywhere anymore,’_

Jason grabbed Dick’s wrist, “Dickie, what the fuck man, you’re shaking,” 

Dick dropped his fork and knife and grabbed the sides of his head. 

Everyone at the table stared at Dick in shock. 

Bruce dropped his own utensils and rushed to Dick. Nobody noticed the large man’s dining room chair go clattering to the ground as he got up.

Bruce turned Dick’s chair towards him as he stood in front of his son. Grabbing Dick’s hands away so he could get a better look at the young man, he noticed the excessive amount of tears dripping down his first Robin’s face. He tipped up Dick’s head and brushed the dark hair out of his eyes. Bruce instantly saw that his son wasn’t completely there as Dick’s eyes were glassy. 

“We have to get him to the cave now!” 

Everyone scrambled as Dick began to whimper like he was in pain and started taking laboured, panicked breaths. 

Jason took hold of the first Robin, “Dickiebird, I’ve got you. Come on,”

Jason hoisted Dick up in a Déjà Vu moment of the night before. He carried his brother to the cave and set him down in a cot in the med bay, “stay here, Dickiebird. I’ll be back in a minute. Bruce and Tim are coming too, ok?”

Dick nodded showing that he was at least somewhat more coherent than the night before.

The troubled hero got up and paced back and forth in the med bay on his own for a couple of minutes,

_‘You’re crazy, Dick. You useless, used up piece of garbage,’_

_’What are you waiting for? We don’t need you,’_

_’We won’t miss you, go ahead. kill yourself’_

_’Do it you fucking coward! Do it!’_

Dick left the med bay, egged on by the symphony in his head. No longer unable to separate what was real and what wasn’t real anymore. 

He needed to find a way to make this stop, forever.

~o~

Jason joined Tim, Bruce and Damian. Damian was preparing a sedative in case Dick became more hysterical. Bruce and Tim had pored over the lab reports of this latest batch of fear toxin. Analyzing it to see if something had been missed.

Sure enough Bruce noticed a chemical compound that seemed to be insignificant but could apparently regenerate the effects of the fear toxin in the body if left untreated. 

In the blink of an eye, he and Tim managed to synthesize the new antidote to give Dick. 

Bruce turned to Tim, “Timmy, please notify Gotham General Hospital’s lab and advise them of this finding. Chances are the other victims might need this too,”

“On it, Dad.”

Jason was about to tell them to hurry the fuck up when he heard a loud pop echo from another section of the cave. 

He and Bruce looked at one another in shock before tearing out to find the source of the noise.

~o~

“He’s coming to, father!”

Dick recognized the sound of Damian’s voice as he woke up. He opened his eyes slightly and felt a sharp pain on the right side of his head. 

As he reached up, his fingers grazed a bandage around his temple.

A tight grip grabbed his hand,

“Don’t even touch that, Dickface.” A gruff voice growled at him.

Dick opened his eyes wider to see an irate looking Jason standing over him. 

“Jay? What? ...”

“Jason, go take a walk if you need to cool off,” Bruce peeled Jason’s hand off of Dick’s and stood between the two. 

Jason huffed and sat back down heavily into his chair.

“Chum, how are you feeling?”

“A little confused, B. And... my head hurts,”

“No shit, Einstein,” a cynical Jason interrupted, “that’s what tends to happen when you attempt to shoot yourself in the fucking head,”

Bruce glared at Jason warningly.

“Is that true, B? Did I really do that?” 

“Yes, chum,” Bruce paused to compose himself, “Can you tell me what happened? What can you recall?”

“I, uh... remember waking up here after getting dosed with the toxin on patrol.. . And I ... I don’t know exactly. I- I heard voices after that... I guess.”

“Voices? Can you elaborate for me please, Dick?” Bruce asked as gently as he could manage,

“It was you. And Jay, and everyone else. Your voices... in.. inside my head. You all said... lots of things. A-And the voices were telling me to... kill myself,”

Dick took a deep and shaky breath.  
He accepted a sip of water from the cup Bruce held out for him. 

“I couldn’t tell what was real. It felt so real.”

Dick reached up to try and fiddle with the bandage around his head again.

Damian stopped his older brother by holding onto his arm, “stop that, Richard.”

“I swear you all said those things, or it felt like I could read your thoughts.... I believed it. And I noticed that nobody was looking at me. Like you were all ashamed of me. It might have been hallucinations but... “

At that final statement of Dick’s, his family shared guilty and knowing looks among one another,

“That’s it! That’s the look. So I wasn’t imagining it?”

Nobody answered for a minute, but Bruce finally piped up,

“Chum, the voices you heard were most definitely not from us. I can swear to that. But, the looks. I suppose...” 

Bruce hesitated and continued,

“It has to do with something devastating we learned from you actually... while you were under the influence of the fear toxin.”

Dick wrung his hands together, finally understanding the connection between seeing Slade while dosed with the toxin and the discomfort on the part of his family. He realized that he probably spilled the beans regarding his traumatic experience with the assassin,

“So you guys know, I guess? What he did to me?” 

Dick asked quietly. Shame laced in his voice as he dropped his head to look down at his lap in embarrassment,

“Don’t fucking do that, Dickie. You know that wasn’t your damn fault,” Jason gritted out through his teeth 

“Jason’s right,” Tim added softly, “you were young and vulnerable. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were forced to survive what was probably an impossible situation.”

“What’s important chum is that we know now. I understand that this isn’t the best way to have told your family this, but I’m glad we know. If only to assure you that you did nothing wrong. I’m sorry that you had to carry this burden alone for so long.”

Damian climbed up onto the bed next to Dick and nuzzled in as close as he could without actually initiating a hug. 

Dick wrapped an arm around his baby brother and pulled him in close. A few tears escaped his eyes and landed on Damian’s shiny, black hair. 

“I really shot myself?” Dick croaked out shakily after a few minutes of silence, 

“Yeah, but thank fuck you apparently can’t tell the difference between a gun that shoots tiny little blanks and one that could actually blow your brains out,”

That earned Jason another warning glare from Bruce. 

Jason ignored Bruce and finished his statement,

“You’ve got a nasty burn, Dickiebird, and the .22 crimp blank broke the skin a little, but that’s it,”

“Why was I hearing voices?” 

“You were still under the influence of fear toxin. There was something tricky in the new toxin, but Tim and I managed to figure it out now we are quite confident. We’re still going to keep an eye on you, for the next week- just to be safe, and you need to tell us if anything strange is going on in the meantime, ok?”

Dick nodded his agreement. 

“K, I’m gonna go change all of the passwords on my gun safes,” Jason pushed himself up. He turned at the doorway and remarked, “for what it’s worth Dickhead, I’m really glad you’re ok. And I’m not just talking about the toxin and the gunshot. You can talk to me anytime, about anything. No judgement, I swear.”

“I love you too, Little Wing,”

Jason scowled jokingly and then gave Dick a cheeky smirk. 

Bruce sat in Jason’s now vacant seat and pulled out a tablet to work on. Dick resumed snuggling with Damian as Tim climbed into bed on the other side of Dick and then loaded up a movie on his laptop. 

Dick retreated into his thoughts for a quick moment and finally relaxed back into the pillows when he confirmed that the only thoughts swimming around in his head, whether they were positive or negative, were just his own.


End file.
